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General suggestions to all the applicants
1. What do you want to present in your PS? It seems many applicants are not sure what they want to present in the PS. To show who you are with just beautiful words, to brag your accomplishments without any details, to simply pay a tribute to the universities? All these kinds of contents are nothing but empty. Why do many applicants feel that they have nothing to write for PS? Explore yourself first.
2. Write for yourself: We have talked about the banal approaches in PS writing. But we still find the same sentences like "The choice of ABC for a career was no accident for me. When I was in elementary school..." in different essays. Be specific and be yourself when writing. You can only write for yourself so you put your passion and true feelings into it. Only in that way can you impress people.
A well-written PS is a whole picture of yourself. There can be of little use to focus on the words selecting and other writing skills without a clear structure and content in mind. So don't just polish your words. Polish your thinkings first!
Sample Critique:
Stevens Finance, a Master student in the UK, GRE 2200, TOEFL 613
Personal Statement:
Finance
Blue: comments by DouDou
By Steven, a . Member
November 6, 2001
Write a detailed and carefully edited statement below, indicating your reasons for wishing to undertake graduate study, your reasons for choosing The University of ABC, and your plans for a professional career. Describe your background and strengths and weaknesses of your preparation for graduate study.
"Recently Mechanic Engineering Department gave its first 'Lifelong Learning' award to William C. Stacy. As a bomber pilot in World War II, Mr. Stacy never gave up his academic dream. He obtained B.S. at 26 and Master at 43. While in his mid 70's, he began Ph.D. study. After his 81st birthday, he completed all of his course work. The department is proud to recognize Mr. Stacy for his fine example to students and faculty of lifelong learning" - Bringham Young University Newsletter October 2001. (Just among the 10 . Essay Review recipients, you are the second who quoted Mr. Stacy's story, mentioned in Li Wei's story. Then imagine how many . readers will quote it too? Don't copy!)
From very early age I admired such people as Mr. Stacy devoting life to academic learning. My academic dream is to become a scholar in finance. My mother, a senior manager in China People Bank (China's central bank), heavily influenced me. She owned a whole room of economics and financial management books. From her, I knew finance is not only challenging but also rewarding. I believed learning finance could expand my mind and contribute to society. (Because 'challenging and rewarding?" How about computer and EE? Your reason is general so it is not convincing.) When I went to college, I chose International Finance as my major without hesitation.
At XXX University, the top one in China, I learned a lot about economics theory and how to study independently. The latter one is the most valuable thing in my learning and work. In every economics course I tried to 'argue' with the author and lecturer about why and how the theory works. I did not like to copy authorities to deal with exams and prefer to use my way to explain questions. During four years in XXX, I got very good but not excellent scores in major subject courses. I knew that sometimes my understanding to exam question was wrong. However, I was more than happy to see sometimes my teacher also agreed with my thought. (I am not very clear about your objective for this paragraph here. Are you trying to HINT that your scores are not good, but you are excellent nevertheless? Again, not convincing.)
After completing my BA degree, I worked as loan officer with Shenzhen Development Bank, the first public bank in China. My major responsibility was to analyse corporate financial statement and evaluate credit risk. Although most final decisions were subjective, I should offer quantitative analysis and complementary explanation for credit committee (Unclear to me. You mean the committee make decisions first, and you look for data to match it? It may be true in China, but for application please be professional!). The job trained my mind to be analytical and systematic. For example, our credit scoring system was based on headquarter data. In practice the scoring criteria could not suit local credit cases. I accumulated some discriminant data in my cases and suggested credit control manager to reset scoring ratio. (Give more details to prove you are analytical and systematic. Do not use a lot of adjectives for yourself.) He adopted my advice and invited me to attend the credit policy seminar. In our bank, this was a rare case for a young loan officer to take part in such formal credit policy discussion. The attendance also earned me valuable chance to enter professional training program on credit control. In 1999, with two months training, I attended loan expertise competition in headquarter. All candidates were experienced loan officers from nationwide branches. Fortunately (it was just because of luck?), among over seventy participants, I achieved second highest score and received first prize.
With Shenzhen Bank I had easy access to many kinds of industries and their financial concern. Increasingly, the topic about corporate finance and financial management interested me. However, I did not want to limit my scope to the position of banking officer. I hoped to know the real decision of corporation in complex market. Leaving Shenzhen Bank to seek more learning chances, I joined Australian Horizons and Shanghai Anchor Investment successively. The roles also changed to chief accountant and financier. Both jobs required accurate analysis on corporation project valuation and capital structure. Under the guidance of seniors, I learned to use mathematical application, such as CAPM, APT and time series analysis, to evaluate project. Although I knew little about pricing models, I was surprised at the combination of finance and mathematics. (It's common that finance needs mathematics skills. If you are surprised, you show that you are ignorant.)
For me, mathematics had special meaning. In high school I was the national math competition first prize holder. At XXX University, I was not a top student. In addition, I got D in linear algebra and econometrics. This was due to my arrogance in the first year, especially for math. I used to be a crazy adherent for slogan 'study hard PLAY HARD'. I thought the last crash work was enough for the exams. At that time I just reviewed textbooks in the last minute, not to mention the math exercises. In result, the first year was a disaster for me. There was just a couple of A in my transcript. I changed my attitude and improved my performance into 15% upper in the following years. Unfortunately, I paid price in later mathematic courses and overall GPA calculation. However, it reminds me to pay more attention to mathematics. Even after leaving school, I kept math books with me and read them from time to time. The calculus, linear algebra and probability are like old friends, helping a lot in my work. The efforts paid off. I could understand the models and formula in graduate textbooks easily when I referred them to work. (You are in a story-telling mood to explain for your low GPA and mathematics score. But don't waste words for such a weakness. 2-3 sentences can summarize it). Without much time to prepare, I got high score in quantitative division of GRE and GMAT. Furthermore, my present master course gives me rigorous training in business statistics and financial calculus. In light of my intellect and determination, I believe math can be my favourite tool in future academic study.
Looking back, four years study and three years work exposed me to many practical problems. When I was in Shenzhen Bank, many companies asked me for advice on financial management. They hoped to value international market risk and know the best capital structure. With Australian Horizons, my supervisor wished to take advantage of the legal difference on investment between China and Australia. At Anchor Investment, I was asked to consider financing our project abroad. These questions puzzled me for a long time. (I don't think your motivation for Finance Ph.D Program is convincing). I wish I could find some solutions to help Chinese enterprises to make right decision in complex financial markets. A doctoral program can help me achieve this goal. I will learn to test theoretical finance in China empirically. Through this way I can advise corporations to allocate their financial resources correctly.
Currently, my interest is centred on corporate finance and financial management. University of ABC is a right place for my future academic study. Your finance department is housed in the business school (many other b-schools have Finance program, too. Why this school?). I have many chances to learn various management studies and apply theory into practice. What is more attractive, many faculties are strong in corporate finance and investment management, which is my most desiring research area. Furthermore, your small class size is ideal for me. It gives me closer access to faculty. Last but not least important, Culverhouse College is very kind and helpful to international students. I can concentrate on my study and research. In return, I can share my fellow students and faculty with my unique experience: three years in Chinese business and one year study in UK. My cross-culture experience will offer Culverhouse College a fresh perspective on economics and finance.
Above all, your doctoral program will strengthen my finance knowledge and offer me a stage to realise my goal. I will strive to seek knowledge and realize my long time dream in your Culverhouse College. Also, I will try my best to do a fine example of lifelong learning for University of ABC.
Comments Summary
I can feel you write this PS in a hurry and you even haven't thought carefully about yourself. Your motivation for Finance is not convincing and reasons for ABC University too general. Why do you want to study Finance indeed?
What are your strengths? Is low score in mathematics your weakness, or 'arrogance' is? Also you didn't relate the work experience to finance very well. In one word, the examples are shallow and the whole PS is NOT convincing.
I suggest you to think about yourself first, your motivation, career progress, perspectives for finance, etc. Only after hard thinking, can you write a good PS.
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原文引自：
https://forum.chasedream.com/dispbbs.asp?BoardID=14&ID=81529
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